# See them tumbling down #
# Pledging their love to the ground #
A way out west there was this fella,
fella I want to tell you about,
fella by the name of Jeff Lebowski,
at least that was the handle
That his loving parents gave him.
But he never had much use for it himself.
This Lebowski, he called himself The Dude.
Now Dude, that's a name no one would self-apply
where I come from.
But then, there was a lot about The Dude
that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me,
and a lot about where he lived, likewise.
But then again,
maybe that's why I found the place so dern interesting.
They call Los Angeles The City of Angels.
I didn't find it to be that exactly.
But I'll allow there are some nice folks there.
'Course I can't say I seen London,
And I never been to France,
And I ain't never seen no queen in her damned undies
as the fella says.
But I'll tell you what,
after seeing Los Angeles
And this a-here story I'm about to unfold,
Well, I guess I seen somethin'
every bit as stupefyin'
as you'd see in any of those other places,
and in English, too.
So I can die with a smile on my face
without feeling like the good Lord gypped me.
Now this here story I'm about to unfold
took place back in the early nineties,
just about the time of our conflict with Saddam
and the Iraqis.
I only mention it 'cause sometimes there's a man,
I won't say a hero,
'Cause what's a hero?
But sometimes there's a man,
and I'm talking about The Dude here,
sometimes there's a man,
he's the man for his time and place.
He fits right in there,
and that's The Dude,
in Los Angeles.
And even if he's a lazy man,
and The Dude was most certainly that,
quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles county,
which would place him high in the running
for laziest worldwide.
But sometimes there's a man,
sometimes... There's a man.
Wow, lost my train of thought here.
I done introduced him enough.
All for a collective action.
This will not stand.
This will not stand,
this aggression against Kuwait.
# Here on the range I belong #
# Drifting along with the tumbling #
# Tumbleweed #
Where's the money, Lebowski?
I want that money, Lebowski.
Bunny says you're good for it.
Where's the money, Lebowski?
Where's the fucking money, shithead?!
It's down there somewhere. let me take another look.
Don't fuck with us!
Your wife owes money to Jackie Treehorn,
That means you own money to Jackie Treehorn.
Ever thus to deadbeats, Lebowski.
No, no, don't do that
Not on the rug, man.
See?
See what happens, Lebowski?
You see what happens?
Nobody calls me Lebowski.
You got the wrong guy. I'm The Dude, man.
Your name's Lebowski, Lebowski.
Your wife is Bunny.
My my wife.. my wife Bunny?
Do you see a wedding ring on my finger?
Does this place look like I'm fucking married?
The toilet seat's up, man.
What the fuck is this?
Obviously, you're not a golfer.
Woo?
Isn't this guy supposed to be a millionaire?
Yeah, what do you think?
He looks like a fucking loser.
Hey, at least I'm housebroken.
Fucking time wasted.
Thanks a lot, asshole.
# The man in me will do #
# Nearly any task #
# And as for compensation #
# There's a little he would ask #
# Take a woman like you #
# To get through #
# To the man in me #
# The storm clouds are raging #
# All around my door #
# I think to myself #
# I might not take it anymore #
# Take a woman like your kind #
# To find the man in me #
# But, oh #
# What a wonderful feeling #
# Just to know that you are near #
# That sets my heart a-reelin' #
# From my toes #
# Up to my ears #
# The man in me will hide sometimes #
# To keep from being seen #
# But that's just because #
# He doesn't want to turn into some machine #
# Take a woman like you #
# To get through #
# To the man in me #
I'm throwing rocks tonight.
Mark it, Dude.
This was a valued rug.
This was a...
Yeah, man, it really tied the room together.
So this was a valued
What tied the room together, Dude?
My rug.
Were you listening to The Dude's story, Donny?
What?
Were you listening to The Dude's story?
I was bowling.
So you have no frame of reference here, Donny.
You're like a child
who wanders in in the middle of a movie
Walter, what's the point, man?
There's no reason-- here's my point, Dude
There's no fucking reason--
Yeah, Walter, what's your point?
Walter, what is the point--
Look, we all know who is at fault here.
What the fuck are you talking about?
No, what the fuck are you--
We're talking about unchecked aggression here, Dude.
What the fuck is he talking about?
My rug.
Forget it, Donny. you're out of your element.
Walter, the chinaman who peed on my rug,
I can't go give him a bill.
So what the fuck are you talking about?
What the fuck are you talking about?
The chinaman is not the issue here, Dude.
I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude.
Across this line, you do not--
Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.
Asian-american, please.
Walter, this isn't a guy who built the railroads here,
this is a guy
What the fuck are you talking
Walter, he peed on my rug.
He peed on The Dude's rug.
Donny, you're out of your element.
Dude, the chinaman is not the issue here.
So, ... who..
Jeff Lebowski.
The other Jeffrey Lebowski,
the millionaire.
That's fucking interesting, man.
That's fucking interesting.
Plus, he has the wealth, obviously,
and the resources,
so that there's no reason
there's no fucking reason
why his wife should go out
and owe money all over town,
and then they come
and they pee on your fucking rug!
Am I wrong? No.
Am I wrong?
Ok, then.
That rug really tied the room together,
Did it not?
Fuckin' a!
And this guy peed on it.
Donny, please.
You know, this is the fucking guy
I could find this fucking Lebowski guy.
His name is Lebowski?
That's your name, Dude.
This is the guy
who should compensate me for the fucking rug.
His wife goes out
and owes money all over town,
and they pee on my rug?
They pee on your fucking rug.
They pee on my fucking rug.
That's right, Dude.
They peed on your fucking rug.
This is the study.
As you can see, the various commendations...
"Jeffrey Lebowski."
Honorary degrees, etcetera.
very impressive.
Oh, please feel free to inspect them.
Oh, no, I'm not really that
Oh, please, please.
That is the key to the city of Pasadena,
Which Mr. Lebowski received 2 years ago
In recognition of his various civic ...
Oh, that's the Los Angeles
Chamber of Commerce Business Achiever Award,
which is given
oh, not necessarily given every year.
Hey, is this, is this him with Nancy?
Yes, indeed, that is Mr. Lebowski
with the first lady, yes. it was taken when
That's, Lebowski on the left there?
Yeah, of course. Mr. Lebowski on the left
so he's a cripple
Uh, you know, a handicapped guy?
Mr. Lebowski is disabled, yes.
Uh, this picture was taken
when Mrs. Reagan was first lady of the nation,
Yes, yes. Not of California.
Pope John.
..in fact, he met privately with the President,
though unfortunately,
There wasn't enough time for a photo opportunity.
Oh, Nancy's pretty good.
Oh, wonderful woman. we're very happy
these are ...
oh, those are Mr. Lebowski's children, so to speak.
Different mothers, huh?
Racially, pretty cool.
They're not literally his children.
They're the little Lebowski Urban Achievers,
Inner-city children of promise
but without the necessary means for
necessary means for a higher education.
So Mr. Lebowski is committed
to sending all of them to college.
Excuse me.
Thank you. Thank you.
Far out.
Think he's got room for one more?
You never went to college.
Please, don't touch that.
Yeah, no, I did, but, you know,
I spent most of my time, um,
occupying various administration buildings,
smoking a lot of thai stick,
breaking into the R.O.T.C.,
and bowling.
to tell you the truth, Brandt,
I don't remember most of it.
Ok, sir, you're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski,
That's terrific.
But I'm very busy, as I imagine you are.
What can I do for you, sir?
Uh, well, sir, it's,
this rug I have.
It really tied the room together.
You told Brandt on the phone, he told me.
Where do I fit in?
Well, they were
They were looking for you, these 2 guys.
I'll say it again.
You told Brandt on the phone, he told me.
I know what happened. Yes? Yes?
Oh, so you know that
They were trying to piss on your rug?
Did I urinate on your rug?
You mean, did you personally come
and pee on my rug?
Hello! Do you speak English, son?
Parla usted ingles?
I'll ask you again. Did I urinate on your rug?
No, like I said, Woo peed on my rug.
I just want to understand this, sir.
Every time a rug is micturated upon
In this fair city, I have to compensate the person
Come on, man,
I'm not trying io scam anybody here.
..you know, I.. was just
You were just looking for a handout
like every other...
Are you employed, Mr. Lebowski?
Uh, wait, let me
let me explain something to you.
I am not Mr. Lebowski. You're Mr. Lebowski.
I'm The Dude. So that's what you call me,
You know, that or, his Dudeness,
Or, Duder, or, you know, el Duderino,
If you're not into the whole brevity thing.
Are you employed, sir?
Employed?
You don't go out looking for a job
dressed like that, do you, on a weekday?
Is this a.. what day is this?
Well, I do work, sir.
So if you don't mind
No, I do mind.
Uh, The Dude minds.
This will not stand, you know.
This aggression will not stand, man.
I mean, your wife owes
My wife is not the issue here!
I hope that someday my wife
will learn to live on her allowance,
which is ample, but if she does not,
that is her problem, not mine,
just as the rug is your problem,
just as every bum's lot in life
is his own responsibility,
regardless of who he chooses to blame.
I didn't blame anyone for the loss of my legs.
Some chinaman took them from me in Korea.
But I went out and achieved anyway.
I cannot solve your problems, sir,
only you can.
Oh, fuck it.
Yes, that's your answer.
That's your answer to everything.
Tattoo it on your forehead.
Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski!
Condolences!
The bums lost!
My advice to you is to do what your parents did!
Get a job, sir!
The bums will always lose!
Do you hear me, Lebowski?!
The bums will always lose!
How was your meeting, Mr. Lebowski?
Ok. The old man told me to take any rug in the house.
Well, enjoy,
and perhaps we'll see you again sometime, Dude.
Yeah, sure, if I'm in the neighborhood,
You know, and ...
I need to use the John.
Blow on them.
Go ahead, blow.
You want me to blow on your, toes?
I can't blow that far.
Are you sure he won't mind?
He really doesn't care about anything.
He's a nihilist.
Oh, and that must be exhausting.
You're not blowing.
Our guest has to be getting along, Mrs. Lebowski.
Oh, you're Bunny.
I'll suck your cock for $1,000.
Wonderful woman.
We're all..we're all very fond of her.
Very free-spirited.
Brandt can't watch, though,
Or he has to pay 100.
..that's marvelous.
Uh, I'm just gonna go find a cash machine.
Slamming them tonight.
You guys are dead in the water.
All right! Way to go, Donny!
If you will it, it is no dream.
You're fucking 20 minutes late, man.
What the fuck is that?
Theodore Herzel.
The state of Israel. If you will it, Dude,
It is no dream.
What the fuck you talking about, man?
The carrier. What's in the fucking carrier?
Oh, Cynthia’s dog.
I think it's a Pomeranian.
I can't leave him home alone
or he eats the furniture.
I'm watching it
while Cynthia and Marty Ackerman
are in Hawaii.
You brought a fucking Pomeranian bowling?
What do you mean, "brought it bowling"?
I didn't rent it shoes,
I'm not buying it a fucking beer,
he's not taking your fucking turn, Dude.
Man, if my fucking ex-wife
asked me to take care of her fucking dog
while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu,
I'd tell her to go fuck herself.
Why can't she board it?
First of all, Dude, you don't have an ex.
Secondly, this is a fucking show dog
with fucking papers.
You can't board it. It gets upset.
Its hair falls out.
The fucking dog has fucking papers.
Over the line!
I'm sorry, Smokey, you were over the line.
That's a foul.
Bullshit. Mark it 8, Dude.
Uh, excuse me, mark it zero. Next frame.
Bullshit, Walter. Mark it 8, Dude.
Smokey, this is not 'nam, this is bowling.
There are rules.
Hey, Walter, come on, it's just
Hey, man, it's Smokey.
So his toe slipped over a little.
You know, it's just a game, man.
This is a league game. This determines
who enters the next round-robin.
Am I wrong?
Yeah, but I wasn't
Am I wrong?
Yeah, but I wasn't over.
Give me the marker, Dude.
I'm marking an 8.
Smokey, my friend,
You're entering a world of pain.
Walter, man.
You mark that frame an 8,
You're entering a world of pain.
A world of pain.
Look, Dude, this is your partner.
Has the whole world gone crazy?!
Am I the only one around here
who gives a shit about the rules?!
Mark it zero!
They're calling the cops, man.
Put the piece away.
Mark it zero!
Walter, put the piece away.
You think I'm fucking around here?
Mark it zero!
All right, it's fucking zero.
You happy, you crazy fuck?
It's a league game, Smoke.
You can't do that, man.
These guys, you know, they're like me.
They're pacifists.
Smokey was a conscientious objector.
You know, Dude, I, myself,
dabbled in pacifism at one point,
not in 'nam, of course.
And you know he's got emotional problems, man.
You mean, beyond pacifism?
He's fragile, Very fragile.
Huh. I did not know that.
..it's all water under the bridge,
and we do enter the next round-robin.
Am I wrong?
No, you're not wrong.
Am I wrong?
You're not wrong, Walter,
you're just an asshole!
Ok, then.
We play Quintana and O’Brien next week.
They should be pushovers.
Man, will you just
Just take it easy, man.
You know, that's your answer for everything, Dude.
And let me point out something.
Pacifism is not look at our current situation
with that camelfucker in Iraq.
Pacifism is not something to hide behind.
Just take it easy, man.
I'm perfectly calm, Dude.
Yeah, waving the fucking gun around?
Calmer than you are.
Will you just take it easy?
Calmer than you are.
Dude, this is Smokey.
Look, I don't want to be a hard-on about this,
and I know it wasn't your fault,
but I just thought it was fair to tell you
that Gilbert and I will be submitting this to the league
and asking them to set aside the round,
I don't know, maybe forfeit it to us.
So, like I say, just thought, you know, fair warning.
Tell Walter. I'm sorry.
Mr. Lebowski, this is Brandt at,
well, at Mr. Lebowski's office.
Please call us as soon as it's convenient.
Mr. Lebowski, this is Bill Selliger
of the Southern Cal Bowling League,
and I just got an informal report
that a member of your team, a Walter Sobchak,
drew a firearm during league play.
If this is true, of course,
it contravenes a number of the league's bylaws
and also article 27 of the league
Dude, I..finally got.. I got the,
the venue I wanted.
I'm performing my dance quintet,
you know, my cycle,
at Crane Jackson's fountain street theater
on Tuesday night,
and, well, I’d love it if you came
and gave me notes.
I'll be there, man.
tomorrow's already the 10th.
Far out.
Oh. all right, ok.
Just, just slip the rent under my door.
...serious infraction
and examine your standing. Thank you.
Mr. Lebowski, Brandt again.
Please do call us as soon as you get in,
and I'll send a limo.
I hope you're not avoiding this call
because of the rug..
Which, I assure you, is not a problem.
We need your help, and ...
Well, we'd very much like to see you.
Thank you. it's Brandt.
We've had some terrible news.
Mr. Lebowski's in seclusion in the west wing.
Funny...
I can look back on a life of achievement,
challenges met,
competitors bested,
obstacles overcome.
I've accomplished more than most men
and without the use of my legs.
What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski?
I.. don't know, sir.
Is it being prepared to do the right thing?
Whatever the cost?
Isn't that what makes a man?
Sure, that and a pair of testicles.
You're joking.
But...
Perhaps you're right.
You mind if I do a "j"?
Bunny...
Excuse me?
Bunny Lebowski,
She is the light of my life.
Are you surprised at my tears, sir?
Fuckin' a.
Strong men also cry.
I received this fax this morning.
As you can see,
it is a ransom note.
"We have Bunnie."
Written by men who are unable to achieve
on a level field of play.
"Gather one million dollars
in unmarked, non-consecutive twenties."
Weaklings.
"Await instructions."
Bums!
"No funny stuff."
Bummer.
This is a bummer, man.
That's, that's a bummer.
Brandt will fill you in on the details.
Mr. Lebowski is prepared to make
a generous offer to you to act as courier
once we get instructions for the money.
Why me, man?
He believes the culprits might be the very people
who ... soiled your rug,
and you're in a unique position
to confirm or disconfirm
that suspicion.
He thinks the carpet pissers did this?
Well, Dude, we just don't know.
Fucking Quintana.
That creep can roll, man.
Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude.
No. He's a sex offender with a record.
He did 6 months at chino
for exposing himself to an 8-year-old.
When he moved to Hollywood,
He had to go door-to-door
to tell everyone he was a pederast.
What's a pederast, Walter?
Shut the fuck up, Donny.
How much they give you?
20 grand, man.
And, of course, I still get to keep the rug.
Just for making the hand-off?
Yeah. They gave, Dude a beeper.
Now, so whenever these guys call
What if it's during a game?
Oh, I told them if it was during league play...
What's during league play?
Life does not stop and start
at your convenience,
you miserable piece of shit.
I figure...
What's wrong with Walter, Dude?
I figure it's easy money.
It's all pretty harmless.
She probably kidnapped herself.
What do you mean, Dude?
Rug pee-ers did not do this.
Look at it.
A young trophy wife
marries this guy for his money.
She figures he isn't giving her enough.
You know, she owes money all over town.
That fuckin'... Bitch.
It's all goddamn fake, man.
It's like Lenin said.
You look for the person who will benefit,
and, you know...
I am the walrus?
You know, you'll ...
You know what I'm trying to say.
I am the walrus.
That fuckin' bitch!
I am the walrus.
Shut the fuck up, Donny!
V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!
What the fuck is he talking about?
Fucking exactly what happened.
That makes me fucking sick.
What do you care, Walter?
Those rich fucks.
This whole fuckin' thing.
I did not watch my buddies die
facedown in the mud
so that this fucking strumpet,
This fucking whore
I don't see any connection to Vietnam, man.
Well, there's a literal connection.
No, Walter, face it, there isn't any connection.
Your roll.
Have it your way, but my point is
Your roll.
My point is
Are you ready to be fucked, man?
I see you roll your way into the semis.
Dios mio, man.
Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up.
Well...you know, that's just like ...
Your opinion, man.
Let me tell you something, pendejo,
you pull any crazy shit with us,
you flash a piece out on the lanes,
I'll take it away from you and stick it up your ass
and pull The fuckin' trigger
till it goes click.
Jesus.
You said it, man.
Nobody fucks with the Jesus.
8-year-olds, Dude.
# The man in me will do #
# Nearly any task #
# And as for compensation #
# There's little he will ask #
# Take a woman like you #
# To get through #
# To the man in me #
# The storm clouds are raging #
# All around my door #
# I think to myself #
# I might not take it anymore #
# Take a woman like your kind #
# To find #
# The man in me #
# What a wonderful feeling #
# Just to know that you are near... #
They called about 80 minutes ago.
They want you to take the money,
drive north on the 405. They will call you
on the portable phone with instructions
in about 40 minutes.
One person only. They were very clear on that,
Or I'd go with you. One person only.
What happened to your jaw?
Oh, nothin', you know.
Here's the money.
And the phone.
Please, Dude, follow whatever instructions they give.
All right.
Her life is in your hands.
Oh, man, don't say that.
Mr. Lebowski asked me to repeat that.
Her life is in your hands.
Oh, shit, man.
Her life is in your hands, Dude.
Report back to us as soon as it's done.
Where the fuck are you goin', man?
Take the ringer. I'll drive.
What? The what?
The ringer.
The ringer, Dude.
Have they Called yet? What the
What the hell is this?
My dirty undies, Dude.
Laundry. The whites.
Walter, I'm sure there's a reason
you brought your dirty undies, man.
That's right, Dude. The weight.
The ringer cannot look empty.
Walter, what the fuck are you thinking, man?
You're right, Dude. I got to thinking.
I got to thinking why should we settle
for a measly fuckin' 20 grand
We? What the fuck we?
You said you just wanted to come along.
My point, Dude, is
why should we settle for 20 grand
when we can keep the entire million?
Am I wrong? Yes, you're wrong.
This isn't a fuckin' game, man.
Oh, but it is a game. You said so yourself.
She kidnapped herself.
I said I thought
Dude here.
Who is this?
Dude the bagman, man. Where do you want us to go?
Us?
Yeah, you know, me and the driver.
I'm not handling the money, driving the car,
and talking on the phone all by my
Shut the fuck up!
Dude, are you fuckin' this up?
Who is that?
That is the driver.
I told you
What the fuck's goin' on?
Walter! What the fuck is goin' on?
He hung up, man!
You fucked it up!
Her life was in our hands, man.
Easy, Dude.
We're screwed now. We don't get shit.
They're gonna kill her.
We're fucked, Walter.
Nothing is fucked, Dude.
Come on, you're being very un-Dude.
They'll call back.
Look, she kidnapped
You see? Nothing's fucked here, Dude.
Nothing is fucked.
They're a bunch of fuckin' amateurs!
Hey, Walter, will you just shut the fuck up?
Don't say peep while I'm doin' business here, man.
Ok, Dude, have it your way.
But they're amateurs.
Ok, we proceed.
But only if there's no funny stuff.
So no funny stuff, ok?
Just tell me where the fuck you want us to go.
That was the sign, man.
So all we gotta do is get her back,
No one's in a position to complain,
And we keep the baksheesh.
Yeah, terrific, Walter,
but you haven't told me how we're gonna get her back.
Where is she?
That's the simple part, Dude.
We make the hand-off,
I grab one of 'em, beat it out of him.
Yeah. That's a great plan.
Walter, that's fucking ingenious,
If I understand it correctly.
It's a Swiss fuckin' watch.
That's right, Dude.
The beauty of this is its simplicity.
Once a plan gets too complex,
everything can go wrong.
If there's one thing I learned in 'nam, it's
You're coming to a wooden bridge.
When you cross the bridge,
you throw the bag
from the left window of the moving car.
You're being watched.
What'd he say? Where's the hand-off?
There is no fuckin' hand-off, man.
At the wooden bridge, we throw the money out of the car.
We throw the money out of the moving car.
No, we can't do that, Dude.
That fucks up our plan.
Well, call 'em up and explain it to them, Walter.
Your plan is so fuckin' simple
I'm sure they'll fuckin' understand it.
That's the beauty of it.
Wooden bridge, huh?
I'm throwin' the money, Walter.
We're not fuckin' around, man.
Ok, Dude, bridge is comin' up.
Give me the ringer, chop-chop.
Fuck that, Walter. I love ya,
but sooner or later you're gonna have to face the fact
you're a goddamn moron.
Ok, Dude. No time to argue.
Hey, man. The bridge.
There goes the ringer!
What the fuck?!
Here, Dude, your wheel.
At 15 mph, I roll out.
I double back, grab one, and beat it out of him.
The Uzi. Uzi?!
You didn't think I was rolling out of here naked?
Walter, please..
15, Dude. This is it. Let's take that hill!
We have it!
We...have it!
Aw, fuck it, Dude.
Let's go bowling.
Etz chaim he, Dude,
as the ex used to say.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
What the fuck are we gonna tell Lebowski?
Well, what exactly is the problem?
The problem is
What do you mean, What's the
There was no...
We..didn't ...
They're gonna kill that poor woman, man.
What the fuck are you talking about?
The poor woman
that poor slut
kidnapped herself.
Come on, Dude, you said so yourself.
Man, I said I thought she kidnapped herself.
You're the one who's so fuckin' certain.
That's right, Dude.
100% certain.
They posted the next round for the tournament.
Donny, shut the fuck when do we play?
This Saturday.
Saturday? Well, they have to reschedule.
Walter, what am I gonna tell Lebowski?
I told that fuck down at the league office
Who's in charge of scheduling?
I told that kraut a fuckin' thousand times
I don't roll on Shabbos.
He already Walter posted it.
Well, he can fuckin' unpost it!
Who gives a shit?!
They're gonna kill that poor woman, man.
What am I gonna tell Lebowski?
..eventually she'll get tired of her little game
and, you know, wander on back.
How come you don't roll on Saturday, Walter?
I'm Shomer Shabbos.
What's that, Walter?
Yeah, and in the meantime,
What do I tell Lebowski?
Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos,
The jewish day of rest. That means I don't work,
I don't drive a car, I don't fuckin' ride in a car,
I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven,
and I sure as shit don't fucking roll!
Shomer Shabbos!
Shomer fucking Shabbos.
Oh, fuck! That's it! I'm outta here.
Oh, come on, Dude.
Look, you just tell him
Tell him we made the drop,
and everything went, you know...
Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
Went all right. Dude's car got a little dinged up.
Walter, we didn't make the fuckin' hand-off, man.
They didn't get the fuckin' money!
And they're gonna..
They're gonna kill that poor woman.
They're gonna kill that poor woman
Hey, Walter, if you can't ride in a car,
how do you get around on shammos?
Really, Dude, you surprise me.
They're not gonna kill shit, they're not gonna do shit.
What can they do to her?
They're a bunch of fuckin' amateurs,
And meanwhile, look at the bottom line.
Who's sittin' on a million fucking dollars?
Who's got a fuckin' million fuckin' dollars
sitting in the trunk of our car?
Our car, Walter?
And what do they got? My dirty undies.
My fuckin' whites.
Say, Dude.
Where is your car?
Who's got your undies, Walter?
Where's your car, Dude?
You don't know, Walter?
It was parked in a handicap zone.
Perhaps they towed it.
You fuckin' know it's been stolen.
Well, certainly that's a possibility, Dude.
Oh, fuck it.
Where you goin', Dude?
I'm goin' home, Donny.
Phone's ringing, Dude.
Thank you, Donny.
Green.
Some, brown or...
Rust coloration.
And was there anything of value in the car?
...a tape deck,
some Creedence tapes,
and there was a...
my briefcase.
In the briefcase?
..papers.
You know just papers.
You know, my papers.
Business papers.
And what do you do, Sir?
I'm unemployed.
My rug was also stolen.
Your rug was in the car?
No, here.
Separate incidents?
Do you find them much, these stolen cars?
Sometimes.
Wouldn't hold out much hope for the tape deck, though.
Or the Creedence.
Well, what about...
The briefcase?
Mr. Lebowski, I'd like to see you.
Call when you get home, and I'll send a car for you.
My name is Maude Lebowski.
I'm the one who took your rug.
Guess we can close the file on that one.
El Franco, ay`dame abajo.
I'll be with you in a moment, Mr. Lebowski.
Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?
..is that what this is a picture of?
In a sense, yes.
My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal,
which bothers some men.
The word itself makes some men uncomfortable.
Vagina.
Oh, yeah?
Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say,
whereas without batting an eye,
a man will refer to his dick or his rod
Or his... Johnson.
Johnson?
All right, Mr. Lebowski.
Let's get down to cases.
My father told me he agreed to let you have the rug,
but as it was a gift from me to my late mother,
it was not his to give.
Your face.
As for this kidnapping...
Yes, I know all about it,
And I know that you acted as courier.
Let me tell you something.
The whole thing stinks to high heaven.
Right, but let me explain something
About the rug.
Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?
Excuse me?
Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus.
Do you like it?
I was talking about my rug.
You're not interested in sex?
You mean coitus?
I like it, too.
It's a male myth about feminists
That we hate sex.
It can be a natural, zesty enterprise.
However, there are some people
It is called satyriasis in men, nymphomania in women
who engage in it compulsively and without joy.
Oh, yes, Mr. Lebowski.
These unfortunate souls cannot love
in the true sense of the word.
Our mutual acquaintance Bunny is one of these.
Listen, Maude,
um, I'm sorry if your stepmother is a nympho,
but, you know,
I don't see what this has to do with...
Do you have any Kahlua?
Take' a look at this, sir.
Oh, I know that guy.
He's a nihilist.
Hello. Meine dispatcher says
there's something wrong mitt deine kable.
Yeah, come on in. I'm not really sure
exactly what's really wrong with the cable.
Zat's why they sent me. I am an expert.
The TV's in here.
You recognize her, of course.
Oh, that's my friend Shari.
She just came over to use the shower.
The story is ludicrous.
Meine nommen is Karl. Ich bin expert.
You must be here to fix the cable.
Lord, you can imagine where it goes from here.
He fixes the cable?
Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey.
Little matter to me that this woman chose
to pursue a career in pornography
nor that she has been "banging" Jackie Treehorn,
to use the parlance of our times,
however,
I am one of the 2 trustees of the Lebowski Foundation,
the other being my father.
The Foundation takes youngsters from watts and
Shit, yeah, the achievers.
Little Lebowski urban achievers, yes,
and proud we are of all of them,
I asked my father about his withdrawal of $1 million
from the Foundation account,
and he told me about this abduction.
But I tell you, it is preposterous.
This compulsive fornicator
is taking my father for the proverbial ride.
Yeah, but my
I'm getting to your rug.
My father and I don't get along.
He doesn't approve of my lifestyle,
and, needless to say, I don't approve of his.
However, I hardly wish to make my father's embezzlement
a police matter,
so I'm proposing that you try to recover the money
from the people you delivered it to.
Well, I could do that.
If you successfully do so, I will compensate you
to the tune of 10% of the recovered sum.
A hundred...
Thousand. Yes. Bones or clams
or whatever you call them.
Yeah, but...
What about my...
Your rug, yes. well, with that money
you can buy any number of rugs
That don't have sentimental value for me.
And I am sorry about that crack on the jaw.
Oh, th-that's fine. That doesn't even...
Here's the name and number of a doctor
who will look at it for you.
You will receive no bill.
He's a good man, and thorough.
Th-that's thoughtful, But
Please see him, Jeffrey.
He's a good man, and thorough.
Oh, well...
All right. All right.
So he says, "My wife's a pain in the ass.
She's always bustin' my friggin' agates.
My daughter's married to a real loser bastard,
and I got a rash so bad on my ass
I can't even sit down.
But you know me, I can't complain."
Ah, fuckin' a, man. I got a rash, man.
Fuckin' a.
I gotta tell you, Tone, man,
Earlier in the day, I was really feeling shitty, man.
Really down in the dumps.
Lost a little money...
Hey, you know what? forget about it, huh?
Forget about it.
Yeah, fuck it, man.
I can't be worried about that shit.
Life goes on, man.
Home, sweet home, Mr. L.
Who's your friend in the Volkswagen?
Yeah, he followed us here.
When did he start foll
What the fuck?!
In the limo, you son of a bitch. No arguing.
Hey, careful, man. there's a beverage here.
Start talking
and talk fast, you lousy bum.
We've been frantically trying to reach you, Dude.
Where's my goddamn money, you bum?!
Well, we...
They did not
receive the money, you nitwit!
They did not receive the money!
Her life was in your hands!
This is our concern, Dude.
No, man, nothing is fucked here.
Nothing is fucked?!
The goddamn plane
Has crashed into the mountain!
Look, man, come on.
Who are you gonna believe, those guys or...
We dropped off the damn money.
We?!
The royal we.
You know, the editorial.
I dropped off the money exactly as per
Look. Man, I've got certain information, all right?
Certain things have come to light, and...
You know, has it ever occurred to you
that instead of, you know, running around,
blaming me, given the nature of all this new shit,
this could be a lot more, ...
.. complex?
I mean, it might not be just such a simple,
You know?
What in God's holy name
Are you blathering about?
Well, I'll tell you what I'm blathering about.
I've got information, man.
New shit has come to light.
And ... shit, man...
She kidnapped herself.
Well, sure, man.
Look at it. You know, a young trophy wife
In the parlance of our times, you know
She .. owes money all over town,
Including to known pornographers.
And that's cool. that-that's cool.
I'm saying, she needs money, man.
And... you know,
of course they're gonna say they didn't get it,
because she wants more, man.
She's gotta feed the monkey. I mean...
Hasn't that ever occurred to you, man?
No, Mr. Lebowski,
it had not occurred to me.
That had not occurred to us, Dude.
Well, ok, you know,
you guys aren't privy to all the new shit, so...
..you know. But...
..that's what you that's what you pay me for.
Speaking of which, do you think that you could,
give me my 20,000 in cash?
My concern is..and I gotta check with my accountant
but this might bump me into a higher tax,
Brandt...
Give him the envelope.
Oh, well, if you've already got the check made out,
Th-that's cool.
We received this this morning.
Since you have failed to achieve,
even in the modest task which was your charge,
since you have stolen my money,
since you have unrepentantly betrayed my trust...
I have no choice
but to tell these bums to do whatever is necessary
to recover their money from you, Jeffrey Lebowski.
And with Brandt as my witness,
I will tell you this:
Any further harm visited upon Bunny
will be visited tenfold upon your head.
By god, sir, I will not abide another toe.
That wasn't her toe, Dude.
Whose toe was it, Walter?
How the fuck should I know?
I do know that nothing about it indicates
Man, the nail polish, Walter.
Fine, Dude.
As if it's impossible to get some nail polish,
Apply it To someone else's toe.
Someone else's
Where the fuck are they gonna get
You want a toe? I can get you a toe.
Believe me, there are ways, Dude.
You don't wanna know about it, believe me.
Hell, I can get you a toe by 3:00 this afternoon,
with nail polish.
These fuckin' amateurs.
They send us a toe,
we're supposed to shit ourselves with fear.
Now, the point is
They're gonna kill her, Walter,
And then they're gonna kill me.
Dude...
That's...
That's just the stress talking, man.
Now so far we have what appears to me
To be a series of victimless crimes.
What about the toe?
Forget about the fucking toe!
Excuse me, sir,
Could you please keep your voices down?
This is a family restaurant.
Oh, please, dear.
For your information, the supreme court
has roundly rejected prior restraint!
Walter, this is not a first amendment thing.
If you don't calm down,
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Lady, I got buddies who died face down in the muck
so you and I could enjoy this family restaurant!
All right, I'm outta here.
Hey, Dude, don't go away, man.
Come on, this affects all of us, man.
Our basic freedoms!
I'm stayin'.
I'm finishing my coffee.
Enjoying my coffee.
: The Dude is not in.
: Leave a message after the beep.
: Thanks, man.
Mr. Lebowski, this is duty officer Rolvaag
of the LAPD.
We've recovered your automobile.
It can be claimed at the North Hollywood auto circus
there on Victory.
Far out, man.
Far fucking out!
This is a private residence, man.
Ah, nice marmot.
Ve vant the money, Lebowski.
You think ve are kidding
Or making with the funny stuff?
There are things
you haven't dreamed of, Lebowski.
Ja. Ve believe in nothing.
He believes in nothing, Lebowski, nothing.
and tomorrow ve come back
and ve cut off your chonson.
Excuse me?
I said we'll cut off Your Johnson!
Just think about that, Lebowski.
Ja, your viggly penis, Lebowski.
Ja, and maybe we stomp on it and sqoosh it, Lebowski.
It was discovered last night in Van Nuys
lodged against an abutment.
Oh, man, lodged where?
You're lucky she didn't get chopped,
Mr. Lebowski.
Must've been a joyride situation.
They abandoned the vehicle
once they hit the retaining wall.
Oh, my fucking briefcase!
Man, it's not here. Shit!
Yeah, I saw that on the report. Sorry.
You gotta get in on the other side.
The side-view was found on the road
by the car.
You're lucky they left the tape deck, though,
And the Creedence.
Aw, Jesus! What's that smell, man?
Probably a vagrant slept in the car
or maybe just used it as a toilet and moved on.
Are you gonna find these guys or, you know,
I mean, you got any promising, uh, leads or...
Leads?
Yeah. Sure.
I'll just check with the boys
down at the crime lab.
They, got 4 more detectives
Working on the case.
They got us working in shifts.
Leads.
My only hope is that the big Lebowski kills me
Before the Germans can cut my dick off.
Now, that is just ridiculous, Dude.
No one's going to cut your dick off.
Thank you, Walter.
Not if I have anything to say about it.
Thank you, Walter.
That makes me feel very secure.
Dude.
That makes me feel very warm inside.
Now, Dude.
This whole fuckin' thing.
I could be sitting here
with just pee stains on my rug.
Yeah.
But, no, man, I gotta, you know.
Fucking Germans.
Nothing changes.
Fucking Nazis.
They were Nazis, Dude?
Oh, come on, Donny.
They were threatening castration.
Are we gonna split hairs here?
Am I wrong?
Well, he..
They were nihilists, man.
They kept saying they believed in nothing.
Nihilists.
Fuck me.
I mean, say what you want
about the tenets
of national Socialism, Dude.